Blog, why have I become such an emotional wreck. It seems like little things just bring me down. Today it was something about my love moving here in December. What happened to October? And if this is true, then December will change to another month further on, and I will continue feeling lonely. But I feel like, blog, I complain too much about this, to no one in particular. But I guess I’m just feeling sad. A lot lately.
In other news, I’ve just been watching Scrubs and having little bursts of nervousness of moving to my dorm on Sunday. Tomorrow’s my last day home! So so so nervous.
Well, it’s been a couple days, blog. I haven’t really had anything to say, so I chose not to write random nonsense of things I do not feel the need to write about.
I guess I’m writing now because I feel sad and incredibly lonely. I want your arms around me and i want to be able to lay in bed for hours just together. I want to be able to hold your hands and to be able to kiss you because I love you and because I find that smile simply incredible. I want to look into your eyes and tell you I love you. And I want to be able to talk to you and laugh with you and smile until the corners of my mouth ache from happiness. It’s cheesy I know, but my arms feel empty and I feel like there should be someone next to me.
It should be October, because you say you will be there with me in October. Can I just have another bit of luck this time?
Blog, for some reason I am incredibly exhausted today. I feel like I don’t have much to say for today’s entry. All I really did today was buy my last things for moving out and lay in bed with a random headache.
I think tomorrow is a lay around and watch Scrubs day.
Today was my last day of church, blog. Well for a while. I will be moving out of this home and into my dorm next Sunday. Despite all the things that have been said in that church, from my depression to my potential eating disorders from the concerned eyes yet gossiping lips of the so called holy people. I am not quite sure I will miss these adults. Except for my Sunday school teacher. He is a major exception.
I will miss the teenaged people: the people I grew up with. Or these are the people that as I grew up they appeared and became apart of group of people. I have become so accustomed to these conversations every week and being able to joke around with these people. My only real social connection this summer. But even if I realize this will be the last time in a few months I will see these people, I have not grasped the fact that in a week, I will be in a new city in a new strange room with a person I barely know. And in a week and a half, the classes I have gone to with pretty much the same people will change to new faces from all over the state, country and maybe a few scattered people from around the world.
I am scared, blog. Scared of these new social interactions. But I am so excited too.
Hello blog. I’ve decided to write almost everyday, or nearly everyday. I was in a big of a sad, upset mood yesterday. Arguments with my boyfriend always seem to make me do that. I always feel like it’s my fault. My lack of social skills always puts us into situations of arguments. I try, I really do. I hope he knows this. But today we were back to our typical selfs. And I just want to be able to hug him close and kiss him to tell him how sorry I am for the moods I get into. Only about a month until he is here. Or so I hope. It always seems to be soon:a month, two months maybe three. But these months add on and soon, the original plan has gone by; it’s been over a year. Lately, I’ve just been laying in bed pretending his arms are around me and that we will just be able to lay in bed and forget all the rocky points in this relationship and be beyond happy in that moment. I imagine being within kissing distance and being able to kiss him just because his smile melts my heart in an amazing way or maybe simply for the reason I am in love. But then I wake up from this daydream with nothing but blankets wrapped around me.
This is why I feel so lonely lately.
So, here is my blog. A blog I don’t think many people will ever see but a blog I will actually write and say how I feel on different things going on in my life.
So here I am.
I am an eighteen year old student. I have not started school yet, but I will within the next couple of weeks. I do not have a strong connection with that many people, consequently I spend more time on my own. I am in love with a boy a couple thousand miles away despite telling myself it would not happen. But I did and he is my best friend and my love and even if I try, I never feel good enough for him. He is wonderful and amazing and I do not see what he sees in me, but somehow he sees something.
I spent my summer watching television shows, playing World of Warcraft and Team Fortress 2, and wishing time away before I move and I will be with new people in a new place including the one I love.
And I hope when I move, I will change. I will keep friends and people will find me fascinating as opposed to the awkward, introverted person people’s eyes stray past because I am no longer someone they associate themselves with; my life is full of past friendships. I want to be someone I am proud of. I want to be the person I vow to be every year. But in this new town, maybe I will be this person.
I don’t know what this next chapter in my life will bring. It is a surprise to me, but I will write it to you, blog. And I know people will scarcely, if at all, read this but I will write anyways.